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Good evening. It's good to be back with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed it

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00:00:30,510 --> 00:00:34,229
is. And in a packed programme tonight,
we talk to weatherman Michael Fish about

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his first single, released today,
entitled October Rain.

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Said to be the worst since records
began.

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And I'll be talking to the woman... I'll
be talking to the woman lighthouse

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keeper who lost her job because she
would insist on pulling the curtains at

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night.

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00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,170
But first, the news.

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A new leisure centre for London's
skinheads was opened today, and to

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the occasion, the Prime Minister
uprooted a tree.

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Trouble today at a Chadwell Heath
engineering firm, where a man complained

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bitterly at being locked out of the
executive washroom and decided to go

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the boss's head.

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In the fourth order of the tennis
classic today, John McEnroe abused a

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judge, swore at an umpire, and broke his
racket on a ball boy.

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And immediately won praise for his much
improved behaviour.

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An independent committee of inquiry into
why post office staff were so rude

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published its findings today. Basically,
the report says, it's because they get

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so much practice.

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Now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who usually goes to the

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Christmas, but this year has accepted a
kind invitation from the gerbils.

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Good evening, sir. What can I get you?

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I'll have a pint of bitter, please. A
pint of bitter, sir?

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What would you like, dear?

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A gin and tonic, please.

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A gin and tonic, please.

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A slice of lemon. A slice of lemon.

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Yes, please.

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Yes, please.

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Anything else? Anything else?

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A round of flamboyant pig, please. A
round of sandwiches, please.

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Cheese? Cheese.

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Cheese.

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Pickle? Pickle.

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Pickle. Pickle. Pickle.

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And a packet of crisps. And a packet of
crisps.

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What flavour?

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What flavour?

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Salt and vinegar.

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Salt and vinegar.

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Haven't got any salt and vinegar. Plain.

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Haven't got any salt and vinegar. Plain.

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Plain.

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Plain. Plain.

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That'll be two pounds, please.

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That'll be two pounds, please.

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But I didn't think I had to pay. I
didn't think I had to pay.

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Well, you ordered them. Well, you
ordered them.

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you have any money? Well, don't you have
any money? Of course I've got money. Of

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course I've got money.

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Well, that's two pounds then. Well,
that's two pounds then.

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Thanks.

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That's settled.

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Thanks. That's settled.

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Thanks. That's settled.

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What about one for yourself?

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What about one for yourself? What about
one for yourself?

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I don't mind if I do. I don't mind if I
do. I don't mind if I do.

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We can't go on meeting like this.

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We can't. I'll go on meeting like this.

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I have to work in the evenings. I've got
to work in the evenings.

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Well, you should get a better job. Well,
you should get a better job.

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I've tried.

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I've tried.

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Well, you can't expect me to stay in
every evening. Well, you can't expect me

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stay in every evening. I agree.

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I agree.

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Good. Good, good, good.

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How long have you known this little
creep? Who is he anyway?

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How long have you known this little
creep? Who is he anyway?

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I don't know what you're talking about.

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What are you talking about? You know
what I mean. You know what I mean.

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Oh, him.

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Oh, him. Yes, him. Who's him?

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Oh. Just some twit from the office. Oh,
just some twit from the office.

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How long you known him?

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How long you known him?

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Why all these questions?

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Why all these questions?

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I think there's someone else. I think
there's someone else.

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00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:05,880
Susan, darling.

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00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,480
Jason, darling.

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Susan, darling, come back.

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I always knew there was somebody else.

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Remember last time we explored the
fossilized horse droppings of

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And we were able to deduce from their
shape, frequency, and general condition

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that King Solomon had at least three
more concubines than he could handle in

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Olympia.

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Today we turn to the Orinoco Basin in
the pre -Jurassic menopause.

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A place where, until recently, the hand
of man had never set foot.

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Here is a model in plasticine,
naturally, because it's a plasticine

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showing how America, And South Africa
and Finland were joined together before

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they were thrown apart by a giant pre
-Boracic volcanic belch.

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To form what we know today as the
Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean and

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Reservoir.

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It's my belief that just before the two
continents parted, a giraffe was

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standing on this very crack with one
foot on one side and three feet on the

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other.

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How do we know this? Because we found
half a giraffe in South Africa, half a

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giraffe in Finland.

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And this bicycle wheel in Staines
Reservoir.

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Now here, here we have a map of the
Pernambuco Trench as it was at the time

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King Popocatapetl in the 19th.

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What does this tell us?

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It was here that we discovered the most
significant find of our dig so far.

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Lice in the beds.

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Archaeology can be fun. Now here, here
on the map there occurred an event that

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was to make us all redraw the maps of
the region.

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It was a giant porcupine that ate all
the previous maps.

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Now here, on this new post -porcupine
map, we went up the river, and up the

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wing, and around the... And here, in
this shallow depression,

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we found this. No, we didn't find that.
That's my dressing room key.

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We found this.

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We found this. Now, to Professor Beard
of Gideon Park University, It's just a

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rusty nail.

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To me, it's an open sesame of the most
intimate harems of the court of King

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Popocatapetl the 12th to the 21st,
inclusive.

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Except, of course, the 16th, who was a
pulta.

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What other evidence have we got?

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Well, what is this?

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Quite clearly, it is a ceremonial
earring worn by an early pre -prandial

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of the Machu Picchu.

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She went on her way, quite naked, to
take part in the ceremony of a

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consternation of the sun god, Scrib.

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and the opening of the anteater shooting
season.

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Why only one earring? Professor Hump of
Harlem Newtown University suggests that

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this is a red herring. Nonsense.

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I say she wore the red herring in her
other earring.

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Here is an artist's reconstruction of a
young pre -prandial virgin wearing her

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ceremonial regalia. There she is.

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What a prickly pair.

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The price was fine, but there was even
better to come. Now, what is this?

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Professor Heap of Basildon University.

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states that this is part of David
Bellamy's tent from the 1973 expedition,

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he was accompanied by Magnus Pike, Terry
Wogan and a gorilla.

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There's a mound of Tacton University,
says Bucket.

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Now, it's not part of a tent, it's not
part of a canvas bucket, it is no less

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than King Popocatapetl's jock strap.

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Or as Dr Spooner would say, King
Jocopatapetl's pop strap.

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Now, the point is, how was it held up?
Elastic was unknown, chewing gum was

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unheard of, indeed, untuned, except...

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It says the inhabitants of a pre -Iron
Age tribe of hunters and potters

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to a small area in the southeast, now
known as Serventon.

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Now, this, which Professor Heap thinks
is a guy rope, was clearly the world's

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first and most primitive suspender. Its
failure is self -evident. How, then, did

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the king hold it up? He held it up with
the nail. It all fits in, you see. But

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the nail fell out, and the naked king
cavorted with his naked virgins, clad

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in their earrings and their herrings.
Now, how can we conjure up this picture

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riding naked bodies glistening with
sweat from these two rivers?

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Is it the wondrous science of
archaeology?

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Or should I be back on the tablets?

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Perhaps we'll never know. Next week, a
moss -covered bulldog clip and

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orgies among the South Attica
Munvirgins, live from the car park at

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Tesco's. Good night.

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My sister Doris's boy went to a good
school, didn't he? Good school?

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I'll tell you how good a school it was.

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He was considered an idiot in his class.

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Is that good?

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In his class it was, yeah.

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Anyway, you know he married that girl
from over the road with a big back

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He's just found out she's running around
with another man.

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How did you find out?

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When was after they moved from London up
to Liverpool?

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You suddenly noticed they had the same
milkman.

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Paying a return visit, please welcome
our guest, Elkie Brooks.

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Let me...

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Thank you.

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00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:50,030
Charlie Farley, North Acton's answer to
Starsky and Hutch, and I did it again.

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Cruising to Madeira on the trail of an
eccentric Oriental, and his loony butler

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Angus, who thinks himself to be the
reincarnation of Rabbie Burns and speaks

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only in rhyme, they are searching for
the disappearing members of an all

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00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,890
orchestra managed by the formidable Mrs.
Bumstead.

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They are aided in their search by Susie,
a girl who didn't believe in hiding her

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light under a bushel.

175
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:16,999
They eventually arrive at the Wiley
Oriental's mansion in Madeira, Disguised

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00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:22,419
electricians, Iggy is taken in by the
mad Scots butler to a room full of

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promise.

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00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:40,780
You wait here, you menial fella.

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I'll fetch the keys to unlock the
cellar.

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00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:48,120
Tell me, senor... Max Prading. Max
Prading. I've got Max Prading.

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00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:53,939
Tell me, why do some of the ladies wear
the black dressings and the others are

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always showing their baubles of bangles
and big bits?

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00:14:57,340 --> 00:14:59,360
The ones in block are in the barn.

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00:14:59,361 --> 00:15:03,139
The musicians, on the other hand, the
ones with tassels on their trousers are

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00:15:03,140 --> 00:15:08,199
just a load of local losses with strings
and beads and garments flimsy to

186
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,900
satisfy the master's flimsy.

187
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,650
Tell me, do you always... I always speak
in the rhyming couplings.

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00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:20,339
I'm Robbie Barnes reincarnated. My
rhymes flow from me unabated. I do it

189
00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:21,900
morning, night and noon.

190
00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:24,840
When it's no easy, I'm telling you.

191
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:04,950
What's he doing in here?

192
00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:06,530
A man?

193
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:07,800
How fascinating.

194
00:16:08,090 --> 00:16:09,330
Let's go and find out.

195
00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:16,370
Hello. What's your name, darling?

196
00:16:16,610 --> 00:16:21,410
They don't let men in here. How long can
you stay? We need a bit of company.

197
00:16:21,411 --> 00:16:23,629
Listen, girls, you all from the
orchestra?

198
00:16:23,630 --> 00:16:25,590
Orchestra? What orchestra?

199
00:16:26,170 --> 00:16:28,570
The band on the boat, run by Mrs.
Bumstead.

200
00:16:28,990 --> 00:16:30,210
Mrs. Who's dead?

201
00:16:30,730 --> 00:16:32,710
We don't know what you're talking about.

202
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:39,360
The up as down as what?

203
00:16:39,820 --> 00:16:41,200
Oh, happy time.

204
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,020
Who means happy time?

205
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,010
Happy time?

206
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,420
It's soon, honey.

207
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:50,220
What's the time, Lydia? She has got a
hidden watch.

208
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:52,730
Watch it.

209
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,280
11 .15.

210
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:56,660
Any minute now, girls.

211
00:16:57,780 --> 00:17:00,480
Listen, listen. I've come to get you out
of here.

212
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,620
This is our home, silly boy.

213
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:07,059
Come on, let's get comfortable. All
right, all right. A bit later, ladies.

214
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:07,919
a bit later.

215
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,739
I've got to check your fuse boxes, you
see.

216
00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:10,790
Oh, mine first.

217
00:17:10,791 --> 00:17:13,699
Hey, I don't want to get the longest
deal on the list, honey.

218
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,140
Yeah, oh, I will. I will put you on
the... I said later, madam, please.

219
00:17:17,540 --> 00:17:18,590
No, Jean, now.

220
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:20,780
Oh, it's you, Charlie.

221
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:26,740
I thought it was one of them, Charlie.
Listen, they're all drugged, Charlie.

222
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,900
They're all on some sort of happy pill.

223
00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:30,140
I can't remember a thing.

224
00:17:30,141 --> 00:17:33,119
Well, come in here. I've found the place
where they keep these garments.

225
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:36,019
We'll find one for you, you see. Mind
you, it won't be easy. You should have

226
00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:37,640
stuck to that diet, you know that.

227
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,080
Come, my beauties, happy time.

228
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,220
Sweets to the sweet and thoughts
sublime.

229
00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:00,080
Some of pink and some of white.

230
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,400
Eat, oh, moons of my delight.

231
00:18:02,740 --> 00:18:05,080
Soon your fires will burn more bright.

232
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,060
Cool by day and hot by night.

233
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,130
Look at him.

234
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:30,420
He's a nutter. He's trying to wobble up.

235
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:44,440
You can't. What are you doing?

236
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,340
Have you had your sweeping?

237
00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:50,060
No, we haven't, ma 'am. Oh, come now.

238
00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:53,470
Don't you want to grow up to be a big
girl like your friend here?

239
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,010
of that and repent it.

240
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,200
It makes you carefree. It makes you gay.

241
00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:03,510
I am gay.

242
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,600
All Germans are gay.

243
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,070
Was Hitler gay?

244
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,120
Hitler? Hitler? I've never heard of him.

245
00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:12,180
Come, I'll feed you some.

246
00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:16,100
Never heard of Hitler?

247
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:18,620
She must be on air now.

248
00:19:49,620 --> 00:19:53,360
Voila. Come, my dear. I need someone to
help me on the bed making.

249
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,340
What are you like, Umberto?

250
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,500
You wouldn't like me, I'm far too good.

251
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,280
So am I, my Liebchen.

252
00:20:30,309 --> 00:20:31,590
musician, Oboe.

253
00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:37,149
The Oboe's not there. It's like this. I
hope you're not taking the mickey, young

254
00:20:37,150 --> 00:20:38,200
man.

255
00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:39,850
I'm sideways.

256
00:20:40,390 --> 00:20:41,950
It's my speciality.

257
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,060
down to boat bound for Hong Kong.

258
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,580
You will arrange.

259
00:21:24,860 --> 00:21:25,910
You!

260
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,540
You are in London, you fix.

261
00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:33,910
What?

262
00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:37,780
You're supposed to be my henchman.

263
00:21:38,100 --> 00:21:40,200
You're not giving me enough hench.

264
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,660
Listen, my friend.

265
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:48,700
When the butterflies

266
00:21:50,510 --> 00:21:52,650
He flies on high for a day.

267
00:21:53,110 --> 00:21:58,030
Then someone sticks a pin through him
and he hangs on the wall for 50 years.

268
00:21:59,010 --> 00:22:01,240
You want to be pinned to the wall,
sunshine?

269
00:22:05,790 --> 00:22:06,840
He do it.

270
00:22:07,350 --> 00:22:10,730
I scare seven kinds of fried rice out of
him.

271
00:22:11,850 --> 00:22:16,470
We fly all girls to London. You come
too, disguised as harem girls.

272
00:22:17,100 --> 00:22:23,700
Those stupid detectives remain here
looking for us. They stay here under

273
00:23:28,131 --> 00:23:32,839
and mind your beard doesn't blow off in
this wind.

274
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,239
Where'd you get all that from?

275
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,139
That German housekeeper. She hasn't half
got some funny clothes.

276
00:23:37,140 --> 00:23:39,610
I cut this out of the seat of a pair of
fur trousers.

277
00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:42,590
She'll be tickled to death next time she
puts them on.

278
00:23:43,820 --> 00:23:48,220
And so our two heroes leave the magic
island of Madeira, watched by Mrs.

279
00:23:48,340 --> 00:23:52,800
Bumstead and Susie, who, in turn, are
watched by the ever -present blind man.

280
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,720
And as the plane departs for London, we
ask ourselves this question.

281
00:23:56,980 --> 00:23:58,780
Will Charlie's tape recorder work?

282
00:23:59,820 --> 00:24:02,830
What kind of reception do you get under
a Scotsman Sporran?

283
00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:08,780
Find out next week in another
exasperating episode of Band of Slaves.

284
00:24:31,780 --> 00:24:32,830
Morning.

285
00:24:33,420 --> 00:24:34,470
Afternoon.

286
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,860
Were you the bloke I met here the other
day?

287
00:24:37,861 --> 00:24:39,219
Oh, you.

288
00:24:39,220 --> 00:24:40,270
Me? Yeah.

289
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:43,540
No, I ain't never been here in my life
before.

290
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:47,439
Oh. What are you doing here now, then?
Well, I enjoyed it so much, I thought

291
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,490
come again.

292
00:24:50,140 --> 00:24:51,940
You're a village idiot, aren't you?

293
00:24:52,820 --> 00:24:54,580
I watched till you got here, yeah.

294
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:00,690
Nice weather we're having, isn't it?
Well, you know, we just come out.

295
00:25:05,230 --> 00:25:07,050
Oh, it starts off in the morning.

296
00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:11,890
Then either it rains or it gets dark
before nightfall.

297
00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:14,410
Then I ask me supper.

298
00:25:14,710 --> 00:25:17,060
Oh, yeah. What do you ask for your
supper, then?

299
00:25:17,070 --> 00:25:22,929
Pie. Oh. Yeah. If I'm hungry, I get a
big pie and I cut it into four pieces

300
00:25:22,930 --> 00:25:24,670
I eat all four pieces.

301
00:25:25,010 --> 00:25:28,190
If I'm not so hungry, I only cut it into
two pieces.

302
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:42,340
Village idiot?

303
00:25:42,530 --> 00:25:45,310
No, I've got a village of my own I ought
to be an idiot in.

304
00:25:46,610 --> 00:25:48,090
Where do you come from, then?

305
00:25:48,310 --> 00:25:49,410
The stork brought me.

306
00:25:50,470 --> 00:25:54,049
Why do you mean that? I mean, what
village you come from? Oh, I come from

307
00:25:54,050 --> 00:25:55,100
Wiggle.

308
00:25:55,170 --> 00:25:56,610
Wiggle? That's not a village.

309
00:25:56,810 --> 00:25:58,310
That's what the milkmaid does.

310
00:26:00,050 --> 00:26:02,630
Wiggle on the moor. She wiggle all over
the place.

311
00:26:03,890 --> 00:26:05,210
It's only up the road.

312
00:26:05,490 --> 00:26:07,310
Oh, I ain't never been up the road.

313
00:26:07,670 --> 00:26:08,720
Why not?

314
00:26:11,260 --> 00:26:12,600
road he's never seen again.

315
00:26:12,601 --> 00:26:13,639
Oh, dear.

316
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,050
Who was he? The treasurer of the
Christmas Club.

317
00:26:16,051 --> 00:26:21,359
Well, he were a crook then, weren't he?
You don't want to talk about my dad like

318
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:22,800
that. You're only upset my mum.

319
00:26:23,140 --> 00:26:26,939
He went off, left his wife, did he? No,
he went off, left my mum, went back to

320
00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:27,990
his wife.

321
00:26:30,420 --> 00:26:32,180
So you were born out of Wedlock?

322
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,380
No, I was born out near Matlock.

323
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,560
You know what I make you, don't you?

324
00:26:43,020 --> 00:26:44,070
Bigger one as he is.

325
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,980
Even my mum, I enjoyed like that.

326
00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:49,159
I enjoyed?

327
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:52,110
Yeah, she was upstairs having a bath. He
pulled the plug out.

328
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:57,199
Yeah. Yeah, she stuck her big toe down
the plug hole. It just got jammed in

329
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:57,939
there, you know.

330
00:26:57,940 --> 00:27:02,480
She just sat there shivering till the
blind man came and freed her.

331
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:04,490
Who's freed her?

332
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:10,620
No, freed her. Freed her. Oh, I see.

333
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:11,890
Freed her.

334
00:27:11,900 --> 00:27:13,800
Lucky for her, he couldn't see her.

335
00:27:14,140 --> 00:27:15,190
Oh, he could.

336
00:27:15,460 --> 00:27:17,160
All she had was her Snoopy cloth.

337
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,580
Oh, dear, you said he was a blind man.

338
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,720
No, a man who came to fit the blinds in
the bathroom.

339
00:27:25,420 --> 00:27:30,059
We never had no bathroom, you know. My
missus used to get the old tin bath full

340
00:27:30,060 --> 00:27:31,480
of water on a Saturday night.

341
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:35,419
I used to go upstairs, take all me
clothes off. I used to come running down

342
00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:36,470
take a flying leap.

343
00:27:37,420 --> 00:27:39,120
One day I landed on the vicar.

344
00:27:41,610 --> 00:27:43,350
It weren't Saturday, it was Sunday.

345
00:27:44,450 --> 00:27:46,670
He brought his missus over for tea.

346
00:27:47,150 --> 00:27:50,550
She was so flabbergasted she couldn't
finish her cream horn.

347
00:27:51,770 --> 00:27:53,630
It gave the kids a laugh.

348
00:27:54,750 --> 00:27:57,880
You've got kids, then? Oh, yeah, I've
got three children, yes.

349
00:27:58,070 --> 00:27:59,590
And half of them are boys.

350
00:28:02,110 --> 00:28:04,520
What's the other half? Oh, they're boys
and all.

351
00:28:05,170 --> 00:28:07,770
They're triplets, are they? Well, two of
them are.

352
00:28:09,610 --> 00:28:11,530
What's the other one? A window dresser.

353
00:28:16,430 --> 00:28:18,730
He's a Kentish man, is he? He is a bit,
yeah.

354
00:28:22,350 --> 00:28:24,830
What do you do for a living, then? Who?
You.

355
00:28:25,090 --> 00:28:26,140
Me? Yeah.

356
00:28:26,370 --> 00:28:27,950
I'm a rumour spreader. Who?

357
00:28:28,150 --> 00:28:30,090
Me. Yeah, I'm a muck spreader.

358
00:28:30,550 --> 00:28:34,950
Now, I spread rumours. Yeah? Yeah, I
spread rumours in the village.

359
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,199
To the tourists, for example, I'd say, I
spread this rumour that they used to

360
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:43,579
offer me a 10 pp's and a 5 pp's. I'll
always take the 5 pp's. That is the

361
00:28:43,580 --> 00:28:44,539
I spread and I do.

362
00:28:44,540 --> 00:28:46,840
Oh. Don't you lose a lot of money that
way?

363
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,120
No, the other day I took 127 5 pp's.

364
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,360
Oh, yeah, yeah, it works, doesn't it?

365
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,340
That's over a 10 shillin'. Right, right
there, yeah.

366
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,060
I may be an idiot, you see, I'm not
daft. No.

367
00:29:01,860 --> 00:29:02,920
Well, I'm off now.

368
00:29:02,921 --> 00:29:04,299
Oh, yeah. Where are you going?

369
00:29:04,300 --> 00:29:04,879
Muck spreading?

370
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,179
Well, in a manner of speaking, going to
a council meeting.

371
00:29:07,180 --> 00:29:08,230
Oh.

372
00:29:08,231 --> 00:29:13,079
Well, listen, tell me this. Do they let
you in there, then? Let me in? I'm the

373
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,260
chairman. Oh.

374
00:29:14,660 --> 00:29:15,940
Could I come along?

375
00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:19,230
No, there's enough village idiots on the
council already.

376
00:29:24,940 --> 00:29:27,780
I know what you're thinking.

377
00:29:28,420 --> 00:29:30,890
You're thinking, where has Ronnie Corbyn
gone?

378
00:29:30,891 --> 00:29:34,719
Who is that strange gentleman sitting
there in his place, you're thinking?

379
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:38,679
No, well, I'm afraid Mr. Corbett can't
be with us tonight, owing to a slight

380
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:39,730
accident.

381
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:44,059
Yesterday morning, he was taking part in
the all -Croydon put -a -ferret -down

382
00:29:44,060 --> 00:29:45,260
-your -trousers finals.

383
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:52,250
Sponsored by the Family Planning
Association.

384
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:59,620
And he is still in hospital, waiting to
see if the ferret regains consciousness.

385
00:30:01,550 --> 00:30:02,850
No, that is not true.

386
00:30:03,310 --> 00:30:05,170
Now, I'll let you into a little secret.

387
00:30:06,510 --> 00:30:07,560
It's me all along.

388
00:30:08,730 --> 00:30:09,990
How many of you guessed?

389
00:30:10,230 --> 00:30:11,280
How many?

390
00:30:11,570 --> 00:30:15,689
Now, I'll tell you why I did that,
because a lot of people often ask me,

391
00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:19,249
you do, you know, when you don't want to
be recognised in public, you know?

392
00:30:19,250 --> 00:30:22,260
After all, you know, you're a show
business giant, they say.

393
00:30:25,930 --> 00:30:26,980
Don't laugh.

394
00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:28,980
Oh, you weren't going to. I see.

395
00:30:29,420 --> 00:30:36,080
As a comedian who can command a four
-figure fee, £11 .50,

396
00:30:36,220 --> 00:30:42,680
there are times when it is nice to
travel incognito. Sometimes I put this

397
00:30:42,681 --> 00:30:43,779
you know.

398
00:30:43,780 --> 00:30:46,160
Other times, I wear this, you see.

399
00:30:49,300 --> 00:30:51,080
Where did he go, you're all asking?

400
00:30:51,081 --> 00:30:54,969
Actually, I'll be honest, I've stopped
wearing this beard just lately. Ever

401
00:30:54,970 --> 00:30:59,369
since the day I put it on, popped into
our local sports shop, and I picked up a

402
00:30:59,370 --> 00:31:02,129
fishing rod to have a look at it. And
someone came in and said, how much do

403
00:31:02,130 --> 00:31:03,270
want for the garden? No.

404
00:31:06,210 --> 00:31:08,050
So I was out in a flash.

405
00:31:08,730 --> 00:31:14,989
But enough of this sophistication. I
mean, if you all behave yourself, Ronnie

406
00:31:14,990 --> 00:31:16,370
Corbett will tell you a joke.

407
00:31:16,910 --> 00:31:18,930
The zero option of British comedy.

408
00:31:19,130 --> 00:31:25,649
Well, we can all do with a joke in these
troubled times, let's face it. Once

409
00:31:25,650 --> 00:31:28,189
again, I've had some incredibly bad luck
this week.

410
00:31:28,190 --> 00:31:31,990
On Monday afternoon, I put my shirt on a
clothes horse and it went lame.

411
00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:37,469
As a result, I've been in a bit of a
state emotionally, and to be honest, I

412
00:31:37,470 --> 00:31:39,700
think I'm losing my ability to
concentrate.

413
00:31:40,150 --> 00:31:44,949
On Wednesday evening, I spent six hours
trying to put a plug on a packet of

414
00:31:44,950 --> 00:31:46,000
spaghetti.

415
00:31:47,149 --> 00:31:49,290
I'm not very up in technical matters.

416
00:31:49,291 --> 00:31:52,809
You know, I'm a little bit gauche on
things. Do you know this? I once saw a

417
00:31:52,810 --> 00:31:56,060
milking a cow, and I thought he was
pulling a pint of draft bottle.

418
00:31:58,370 --> 00:32:02,950
Anyway, this evening, my wife, who was
sitting over at the table...

419
00:32:02,951 --> 00:32:06,599
making a pair of curtains for the little
peephole in the front door.

420
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:12,120
She said to me... She said to... We've
had a bit of trouble with our front

421
00:32:12,140 --> 00:32:14,670
I don't mind telling you. Caught Dutch
elm disease.

422
00:32:15,300 --> 00:32:16,560
That's not a pretty sight.

423
00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,690
Standing there watching your knocker
dropping off.

424
00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:24,659
She's standing there making these
curtains, you see. She said to me,

425
00:32:24,660 --> 00:32:25,800
said, here, Ron...

426
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,400
Amazing memory for names, really.

427
00:32:28,401 --> 00:32:32,879
Here, Ron, she said, why don't you go
and see the doctor about it? So the next

428
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:37,580
day, I went straight up to the BBC's
chief medical officer, Dr.

429
00:32:38,140 --> 00:32:39,190
Compucius Mboko.

430
00:32:39,191 --> 00:32:44,139
He's quite good, actually. He practices
a subtle blend of witchcraft and

431
00:32:44,140 --> 00:32:48,519
acupuncture. The story goes that he once
stuck some needles in a black and white

432
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:50,260
minstrel and three gollywogs died.

433
00:32:52,860 --> 00:32:55,460
His advice...

434
00:32:55,790 --> 00:33:00,289
His advice to me was to take a holiday,
but to be honest, I haven't properly

435
00:33:00,290 --> 00:33:04,989
recovered from last year's. You remember
we went on that disastrous ocean

436
00:33:04,990 --> 00:33:08,509
cruise. I could tell it was going to be
ill -starred when the ship berthed at

437
00:33:08,510 --> 00:33:10,250
Southampton, got a parking ticket.

438
00:33:11,290 --> 00:33:16,469
The catering was dreadful, particularly
the breakfasts. The porridge was so

439
00:33:16,470 --> 00:33:18,730
lumpy, they served it on cocktail
sticks.

440
00:33:20,470 --> 00:33:23,070
That's got nothing to do with tonight's
joke.

441
00:33:23,850 --> 00:33:29,489
Which concerns a monk, which I sincerely
hope will not cause any offense to any

442
00:33:29,490 --> 00:33:33,129
of the monks who happen to be watching.
Well, I'm reliably informed that a large

443
00:33:33,130 --> 00:33:35,650
number of monks listen to my jokes
religiously.

444
00:33:37,610 --> 00:33:39,870
As a penance. So here it is.

445
00:33:40,690 --> 00:33:45,689
Picture, if you will, a little monastery
and a nunnery side by side, high up in

446
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:49,649
the Spanish mountains, and down below
them in the valleys is this rather seedy

447
00:33:49,650 --> 00:33:51,629
little village. You know, the kind of
thing.

448
00:33:51,630 --> 00:33:55,770
Massage parlors, gambling dens, strip
joints, vice rings.

449
00:33:56,590 --> 00:33:59,000
And there's a lady over here asking
directions.

450
00:33:59,001 --> 00:34:04,209
One day, this rather young and innocent
novice monk from the monastery leaves

451
00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:07,279
the mountain and goes down into the
village for some provisions.

452
00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:12,479
With all the World Cup soccer traffic,
loses his way, you see, and he ends up

453
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:15,850
the back street. So there he is,
standing there, looking at this red

454
00:34:15,980 --> 00:34:20,238
He's watching this red light, waiting
for it to change to amber. When a girl

455
00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:26,499
leans out of the window and shouts, Hey,
you down there, she says. Hey, you down

456
00:34:26,500 --> 00:34:28,600
there, with a dirty habit, she says.

457
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:39,138
And the monk looks up, he says, And she
says to him, she says, she says of

458
00:34:39,139 --> 00:34:41,060
naughtiness for 300 pesetas.

459
00:34:41,820 --> 00:34:43,680
She's a bit French, this Spanish girl.

460
00:34:45,179 --> 00:34:51,319
At which the monk, not understanding her
gist or her accent for that matter, not

461
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:54,399
wishing to hang about, takes a flight
down the road and he just turns the

462
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:58,099
when he sees another girl standing under
the lamppost. And she calls out the

463
00:34:58,100 --> 00:35:02,899
same thing, and that of naughtiness for
300 pesetas, at which he runs away again

464
00:35:02,900 --> 00:35:04,400
and rushes through the street.

465
00:35:04,401 --> 00:35:08,229
Same cries ring out from all the
doorways. A night of naughtiness for 300

466
00:35:08,230 --> 00:35:11,569
percent. Eventually, he manages to
escape. He runs back up to the mountains

467
00:35:11,570 --> 00:35:14,609
such a spate that instead of returning
to the monastery, he goes into the

468
00:35:14,610 --> 00:35:18,290
nunnery. And immediately, immediately,
up comes the Mother Superior.

469
00:35:18,291 --> 00:35:20,309
She said, what is wrong? What is wrong?

470
00:35:20,310 --> 00:35:22,749
She used as bad an accent as the girls
in the village.

471
00:35:22,750 --> 00:35:25,869
Oh, Mother, he said, I'm in such a panic
and so confused. He said, please tell

472
00:35:25,870 --> 00:35:29,249
me. I have to know. What is a night of
naughtiness? The Mother Superior said,

473
00:35:29,250 --> 00:35:30,450
300 percent is lucky.

474
00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:04,459
working for the philharmonic full of
zest and gin and tonic belting out the

475
00:36:04,460 --> 00:36:10,880
classics with a beat just a major and a
minor knocking up the iron

476
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:33,890
You can do amazing tricks, that's very
very true.

477
00:36:45,190 --> 00:36:50,830
Gaius Mozart never scored a goal for
Wolverhampton.

478
00:36:51,550 --> 00:36:58,369
Mendelssohn was messy, very, very
dressy. Sousa was a boozer and

479
00:36:58,370 --> 00:36:59,450
a jazzy.

480
00:37:00,670 --> 00:37:06,330
Gaius Mozart never wrote a jingle for
St. Bruno.

481
00:37:07,050 --> 00:37:11,310
What a pity Guno had a little you know.

482
00:37:30,220 --> 00:37:34,539
Louise is six foot two. She's such a
peach, but every niche is out of reach

483
00:37:34,540 --> 00:37:35,590
you -know -who.

484
00:37:36,020 --> 00:37:41,299
And is this, when I attempt to pinch a
kiss for a chap like me, who's fancy

485
00:37:41,300 --> 00:37:46,159
and five foot three, it's hit and miss.
She's very undemanding and very

486
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:50,519
understanding. I kissed her once on her
hands and knees, twice on her upstairs

487
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:51,570
landing.

488
00:37:53,580 --> 00:37:57,739
I've found a way to reach the heights.
It's not my stocks of padded socks, my

489
00:37:57,740 --> 00:38:02,099
wooden blocks, my concrete blocks, my
heels and chalks, my piles of rock.

490
00:38:02,100 --> 00:38:07,039
away, I'm glad to say, for just today I
found a way. I climbed a ladder, hit the

491
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:09,560
dice, and I had a regular heart. Mr.

492
00:38:09,900 --> 00:38:14,900
Rodney Russ, he's trouble with things we
can't discuss.

493
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:19,839
Every payday wreath he smiles, he lugs
his heart for miles and miles, although

494
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:25,160
he's got black... feet and follows a cat
and wears a truss. A piccolo player,

495
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:31,020
Henry Boot, sat ever so clumsy on his
flute.

496
00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:36,719
He took him in a cab to Bart's to
extricate his solo parts. And now he

497
00:38:36,720 --> 00:38:39,140
fits and starts and doesn't give a hoot.

498
00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:48,100
Just one cornet in all bone and skin.

499
00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:52,740
He's on a diet.

500
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,020
He's way far thin.

501
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:01,000
And concerts.

502
00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:04,180
He knows the score.

503
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,320
Tchaikovsky's seven.

504
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,800
And Chelsea four.

505
00:39:13,500 --> 00:39:15,180
The ballet.

506
00:39:15,420 --> 00:39:16,940
All excited.

507
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:19,120
There was Rudy.

508
00:39:20,310 --> 00:39:21,360
Nicely tidied.

509
00:39:22,090 --> 00:39:23,290
Bought my drumsticks.

510
00:39:23,910 --> 00:39:25,110
On the socket.

511
00:39:25,950 --> 00:39:29,210
And they whistled off at Rudy like a
rocket.

512
00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:32,050
No one noticed. So where?

513
00:39:32,330 --> 00:39:34,050
Where they flew to. From the air.

514
00:39:34,750 --> 00:39:37,730
Misadventure. Lack of care. It was due
to. My welfare.

515
00:39:38,190 --> 00:39:39,240
Lover to Rudy.

516
00:39:39,241 --> 00:39:40,269
Here and there.

517
00:39:40,270 --> 00:39:44,950
Huh? Toot toot. There and square. And he
got a big hand on his entretien.

518
00:39:44,951 --> 00:39:50,379
The chap with the cello's a terrible
fellow and frequently mellow on liquor

519
00:39:50,380 --> 00:39:53,879
drinks. He bothers the fiddles with
juvenile riddles and beats the

520
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:57,979
tiddlywigs. The conductor got fed up and
chucked a rebuke at the cellist because

521
00:39:57,980 --> 00:40:01,359
of his tics. So now he just twiddles his
fingers and fiddles and goes out for

522
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:02,920
tiddles and giggles and drinks.

523
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:06,230
No summer on a Friday drum, I got a job
with a plumber doing loose.

524
00:40:06,231 --> 00:40:09,899
Drums can be posher, but a chap with a
washer gets the price of a nosh and a

525
00:40:09,900 --> 00:40:13,459
booze. Worked like a nabby, but we just
couldn't have you getting locked in the

526
00:40:13,460 --> 00:40:14,510
labby for a lock.

527
00:40:14,511 --> 00:40:17,869
End of the summer, down the pan with the
plumber, but we still got a tap on the

528
00:40:17,870 --> 00:40:18,920
drive now.

529
00:41:44,631 --> 00:41:51,899
That seems to be just about all we have
time for tonight, but before we go, a

530
00:41:51,900 --> 00:41:58,699
few late items of news. The first ever
reunion for school dunces

531
00:41:58,700 --> 00:42:03,499
took place tonight at the Albert Hall
and was a huge success, with over 3 ,000

532
00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:05,240
people standing in the same corner.

533
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:10,679
And Melvin Boggess will appear at
Uxbridge Magistrate's Court tomorrow,

534
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:12,240
of slapping a sailor on the rift.

535
00:42:12,500 --> 00:42:14,550
Police suspect he's a hitman for Gay
Liv.

536
00:42:17,420 --> 00:42:21,699
And after the multiple collision on the
A1 last night between a sewage truck, a

537
00:42:21,700 --> 00:42:26,479
lorry containing 200 gallons of sour
milk, a garlic cellar on a bicycle, and

538
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:30,520
tomcat, police have appealed to
witnesses not to come forward.

539
00:42:30,521 --> 00:42:37,559
Finally, at Crewe Station today, a
retirement party was held for British

540
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:38,779
longest -serving waiter.

541
00:42:38,780 --> 00:42:42,799
In memory of his service, hundreds of
former customers filed past, shook his

542
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,690
hands, trod on his toes, and spilled
soup down his throat.

543
00:42:46,670 --> 00:42:50,909
On next week's programme, we'll be
meeting the Rotherham Romeo, who made

544
00:42:50,910 --> 00:42:54,930
35 different women in one night and is
now in the Guinness Book of Records.

545
00:42:55,330 --> 00:42:56,380
That's a bookmark.

546
00:42:56,381 --> 00:43:03,089
And I shall be reading extracts from the
memoirs of a disillusioned vet entitled

547
00:43:03,090 --> 00:43:04,910
All Creatures Grunt and Smell.

548
00:43:04,911 --> 00:43:10,079
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

549
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:14,630
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